Making It - Motorcycle Edition

In groundbreaking amazing news - I finished a Pinterest project! The Diaper Motorcycle!

The pin leads to Sweet April's tutorial complete with great pictures and wonderous instruction and amazing examples. Which leads me to believe that doing a tutorial myself would be a little like re-inventing the wheel. Using spaghetti.

So, I present:

My rendition of the diaper motorcycle!!

The dog is a little small for scale.

So is the ribbon.

Some notes:

• The wheels are such wicked fun to make that I may do this for every baby shower from not until eternity. 
• Do not buy an 8 oz. bottle. I debated and was sooo glad I got the 4 oz. size.
• Plain white diapers are the bomb. Generic diapers are not plain white. Debate.
• I happened to have a little flat box that was perfect for transporting this thing, but otherwise, I'm not sure how I would have moved it. Disposable platter? Paper box top? Foam core?

In any case, I will accept orders, praise or snark. Be my guest.

Five Things on Friday - Things I Didn't Say Edition

Sometimes, the only way I know that I am a good person is because there are things I think - but don't say. Otherwise, I could be Satan in disguise. Or a Kardashian. Whichever.

In either case, I thought I would share

Five Things that I Thought But Didn't Say This Week

1. O Rly - I have tried, like really made an effort, tried to look nice every day this week. I have put on nice clothes and jewelry and brushed my hair before I got to work. I have tried to color coordinate and accessorize and even wear some tinted chapstick. I have done this because I have this theory about looking good and feeling good and making good choices all sort of being related and I'm trying that out. The point is - I've been trying. Except today, I woke up feeling like dirt and threw on some jeans who have questionable cred in the cleanliness department and an old sweatshirt that I typically save for Saturdays when I'm not going anywhere. My boss walked in this morning and said, "Oh! Don't you look nice in your teal." I wanted to say, "You're clearly either delusional or a liar." But I didn't.

2. I Like My Space - We all went out for a birthday lunch yesterday and while some of the girls were parking the car, two of us walked into the restaurant. After being vaguely waved at to find our own seat, we chose a nice table by the window with six seats. The waitress ambled over with a water pitcher and asked us if we were expecting any more. I wanted to say, "No, I'm claustrophobic and must sit at a table with at least four empty seats. Or I start screaming obscenities." But I didn't.

3. Oh, Me Too - After we left, while we were walking back to the cars, one of my coworkers said, "Well, that was filling. I don't guess I'll have to eat dinner." I wanted to say, "It must be nice to be so skinny AND not have to feed children no matter what AND be able to casually lord it over everyone else." But I didn't.

4. Pants You - The Ex and I had a miscommunication about whether I was picking up the kids or he was dropping them off. Normal stuff. I apologized (because I'm nice) and said, "I should have communicated my plans better." His response: "Yeah, wouldda been nice." I can't tell you the things I wanted to say, but they involved a lot of pants. But I didn't.

5. Liar - We waited for an hour and a half before I asked at the desk when, exactly, the neurologist would see us. "Oh, any second now, your appointment wasn't until two..." I wanted to say, "You lost us. You lost my kid on her first visit to the big scary doctor and now you're lying about the time of my appointment, as if I didn't confirm it with you yesterday. You, sir, and your whole office of insanity suck pants." But I didn't.

Because I'm a lady, dammit.

Share something you didn't say. It's therapeutic.

Conversations with a Seven Year Old - MRI Day Edition

Yesterday, Brynna went for an MRI and a visit to the neurologist. We were dealing with her ongoing migraine issues (which, according to the pediatric neurologist, are not all that uncommon in seven year olds - who knew). The good news is that she seems to fine, in that there are no tumors and the migraines, while a total pain, could be much worse. (The bad news is that we spent $1,000 to find out that we are handling things the right way and no course corrections are needed. Huzzah.)

It never occurred to me that this would be comedy gold, but it was. Here are a few snippets.

The night before, I was explaining the process in the car.* Maren started freaking out. Ten minutes later, I was just repeating the same explanations and calming words I'd be saying and still getting nowhere.


Maren: Mommy, mommy, don't let them put Brynna in a tube. Please, that would be very bad. She will be scared.

Me: I'll be there if she gets scared and the tube isn't scary.

Maren: No, tubes are very scary and you can't let her go. Please, I want my sister to stay with me and not go in the tube.

Me: It's not scary. It's just like the tunnels on the base at MiMi's house. She'll be okay and I'll be with her.

Brynna: Listen, It'll be professionals. I'll be fine. It's not like these people didn't listen in college. Of course they did! They're professionals.**
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When we were getting ready for the MRI, the tech was explaining what would happen and what Brynna needed to know.


Tech: Okay, so it's going to be really loud, so I'm going to give you some earplugs. I'm going to let your mommy put them in because they feel kind of weird. Have you ever worn ear plugs before?

Brynna: Yes, I wear ear plugs when I shoot guns.***
_______________________________________

Finally, at the neurologist's office, we were answering questions.


Dr. J: So, is she physically developing normally? She can run, jump, climb, skip, ride a bike?

Me: She can't ride a bike.

Dr. J: Why not?

Me: shrugs I don't know. She won't let me take the training wheels off.

Brynna: Because it's scary.

Dr. J: It's not that scary. You wear a helmet, that makes it not scary. You wear a helmet, right?

Brynna: Not so much.****

* I tend to think that it works better if I explain everything and give her a chance to deal with it on her own. Note to self - in the car with Maren, not on her own.

** I ended up telling Maren that I had fixed it and they weren't going to put Brynna in a tube. They were going to put her in a cylinder which is clearly less scary. She was strangely fine with this. The power of the synonym.

*** For the record, she's only "shot guns" once, under adult supervision. She wants to turkey hunt, which is fine by me. It's just not something she does all casually all the time like she made it sound.

****  For the other record, she wears her helmet when she is on her bike or her scooter and off of the deck. I don't see the point in making her wear it on the deck. She can't build up speed and the fall isn't that far. If she falls off the deck, that flimsy little Hannah Montana helmet isn't going to be all that much help.

Five Things on Friday - Read This Edition

Every once in a while, I read a book that just really sticks with me, gets under my skin and makes me want to share it with everyone I meet. Okay, maybe it's not all that uncommon and I do it all the time. What's your point?

In any case, here are:

Five Books You Should Probably Just Read

1. Feed, by Mira Grant - This is maybe one of the best zombie novels I've ever read. Why? Well, mostly because it's not about the zombies. See, here's the thing about zombies: they are, in essence, sort of boring. They are really a portrayal of universal human fears (loss of self, technology, big government, etc, etc.), but basically they are shambling shells who want to eat you. They aren't particularly smart or savvy. Which means that zombie books have got to deal with bigger, human questions. Feed is really about politics and scandal and journalism. But it's so much better than that. It's about truth, no, sorry, it's about Truth and Justice. And also, zombies. Aaaand, it's not about a world destroyed by zombies but a world adapted to zombies. Which is sort of fresh and interesting.

2. Come and Go Molly Snow by Mary Ann Taylor-Hall - Come and Go Molly Snow is about woman dealing with the loss of her child and the loss of her one true love, her music. It's haunting and lyrical and lovely. It's set in Kentucky, which buys it bonus points in my book. Dealing with the Bluegrass music industry and culture, it is never insulting, always insightful and again - just plain lovely.

3. Kimmie 66 by Aaron Alexovich - I've decided to read all the non-super-hero graphic novels at my local library. Don't worry, there aren't many. They are really nice to read between books, though, because you can read the whole book in one sitting and they are, generally, kind of weird. Kimmie 66 is about a girl trying to uncover the secret of her best friend's (who she's never met in person) suicide. It's twisty and turny and the main character, Telly, is enchantingly cute, while trying desperately hard to never be cute. It's not rocket surgery, but it is fun and enjoyable.

4. Under the Dome by Stephen King - You know, ever since Mr. King "retired," I love every book more than the last. Possibly because I worry that it will be the last. In any case, Under the Dome is the tale of what happens in a small Maine town when an impenetrable dome pops into place around the borders. Those who are in - are in, including some children whose parents ran out for supplies and those who are out - are out. There's some really interesting stuff here about small-town politics and religion. But what I loved best is the story of the town kids. Like It, the adults are too busy worrying with whatever it is that adults worry about and the kids are the ones fighting the good fight. It's epic and long, but very, very worth it.

5. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card - I like to throw in an oldie to these lists. If you've never read it, Ender's  Game, the novel that launched at least two full series, is the story of brilliant little boy who becomes the chosen one to lead the entire Earth against some (possibly) hostile aliens. The story of Ender is complex and beautiful and speaks to what happens when you mix child-like focus and determination and grown-up politics and ruthlessness. It's also a great book about world government and why and how and will it work.

All of these books are stories that I find myself pondering fresh in the dead of night. You need those in life. Things to ponder when the lights are out and there's nothing on TV and you still can't sleep. Something to wrap your head around and wonder about. I recommend any and all of them to anyone over the age of consent.

Now it's your turn. What book is rattling around in your head? It doesn't matter if you read it last month or last decade, tell me what pushes your buttons.

Word of the Year - ASK

I've been reading a lot of "Word of the Year" posts. (If you are unfamiliar with this concept, it's basically a replacement for the New Year's Resolution. You choose a word to be your guiding principle for the year ahead. Then, I'm assuming, you forget it before February and revert to your old ways of slobby, stingy, status quo-ness. Because that's what we always did with resolutions, right?)

I've been reading about how people are going to strive to GIVE more or ENJOY more or look UP. And I've been thinking about what I want out of this year. What I want is to GET IT TOGETHER but I'm not sure that's one word or that inspirational. And then it occurred to me.

What I need is to ask.

Here's the thing. I hate to ask. For anything. I will sit at the table miserable for twenty minutes instead of just asking someone to pass the pantsing butter. Imagine what happens when I need something big.

(It's been pointed out to me that perhaps I am sabataging myself by not asking for help and then berating myself when I fail. To that I say, "Um, who, me?")

It's a thing with me. I don't want to be weak. I don't want need help. Which is just plain ridiculous, because 1.) I love to help. Ask me for help. I almost never say no (something else I need to work on) and 2.) Everyone needs help, and 3.) C'mon. Look at me. Clearly I need help. I'm the girl in dress pants and white tennis shoes with mayonaise stains all the way down her outfit who can't remember if she brushed her hair this morning. Help-needing should be a foregone conclusion.

So, this year, I pledge to my self (an no one else, because February is coming fast) to ask for what I need. People may say no and they may think I am a useless hoser who can't take care of herself, but I guess that's part of it, isn't it: Finding out who you can ask.

What about you? What's your word of the year?

Conversations with a Three Year Old - Boy Names Edition

This weekend, we had planned a Saturday night movie night. The kids and I were in the car, headed home and discussing movie choice. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe came up and a discussion ensued about the scariness of the movie.

Maren: I don't think witches are scary. They ride on brooms and that's silly.

Me: This isn't a broom riding witch.

Maren: But witches ride brooms.

Me:  Yeah, but this witch doesn't ride a broom, she has a sleigh and some horses.

Maren: But, I love horses. Horses are my friend. Why would she slay horses.*
________________________________

Last night, I was watching Zombieland after the kids went to bed. Maren came out of her room.

Maren: I want to sleep with you.

Me: Sorry, baby. I'm watching a scary movie, you'll have to sleep in your bed.

Maren: My bed is boring. And I like scary movies.

Me: This is a really scary movie - with zombies.

Maren: Fine! But I'm not going to sleep. Every again!**
_________________________________

This morning, we were lying in bed, watching a marathon of Top Gear.

Me: See that car, Maren.

Maren: Yeah. It's pretty.

Me: I want one of those.

Maren: Can I buy one when I'm bigger? Peas, peas, peas??

Me: Well, that's the thing about being bigger. You decide how to spend your money.

Maren: I'm going to get one for me and my baby. I'm going to have a boy baby.

Me: Really? What are you going to name your boy baby?

Maren: Sally.

Me: Sally?

Maren: Yeah, but I'm going to call him Gingerbread.*** And I'm going to say, "I love you so much Gingerbread."

*I feel sure that my three year old is more familiar with the word slay than the word sleigh is a sure sign of something. My awesomeness or abject failure? I'm not sure.

**I'm pretty sure she only lasted about three minutes after this dramatic proclamation.

***I'm not sure what I like better, that Sally is now a boy's name or that Gingerbread is somehow short for Sally.

Five Things on Friday - No Apologies Edition

What else should I be?

There seems to be trend about saying, "Hey, I'm not apologizing for this..." and while I like to think of myself as a nonconformist, I'm really just a child of the '90's, in my friend G's words, "Trying to be different in exactly the same way as everyone else."

Here are:

5 Things For Which I Refuse to Apologize:

1. Not making any sense - I mean this in any way you can interpret it. Sometimes I say things like, "I wish I could cuss in Chinese," or "I guess I forgot how to be cold." I know that these things probably don't make any sense to you. It's okay. They make sense to me. Sometimes I go the long way home when I don't need to. Sometimes I stay late at work by 15 minutes because I like the quiet. Sometimes I eat Cheerios and pickles for supper. Get over it.

2. Feeling my feelings - I feel like no matter what I feel, it's not really "allowed." I can't be happy or I'm in denial, I can't be sad or I'm not coping, I can't be mad or, well, there's no or, I'm just a good girl and I'm not supposed to get mad. Pants that. I am all of those things and I will make an effort not to be a jerk about what I'm feeling (like I won't sing "Zip-a-de-doo-dah" at a funeral) but I'm just gonna go with whatever I'm feeling whenever I'm feeling it. Judge away. Just know that I do not care.

3. Being weird - People are complex. It's just the way it is. I can be girly and geeky and sociable and introverted all at the same time. You don't have to like me. (This has traditionally been hard for me because I want everyone to like me.) But you don't. You just have to accept that this is the me that I am. Like me for who I am or get out of my way.

4. Thinking my kids are better than yours - Here's the thing. I hate the comparing the kids game. You know the one. The one where you say, "Oh, little Seraphina has been walking since she was 8 weeks old," and then I say, "Well, Brynna didn't walk until her first birthday but that's because she was composing classical music when she was 3 months old." It's a crappy game that no one wins and it makes everyone stress and wonder if their kids are normal. However, I know, in my heart of hearts, that you think your kid is better than mine. That's okay. It's just the way it is. I think my kids is better than yours. And if you insist on playing that pantsing game, I will win. Because my kids are geniuses.

5. Eating - Hi, my name is Jessi and I'm a big girl. And as a big girl, I am supposed to be sorry about eating. I'm supposed to order Diet Coke and never, ever, EVER eat dessert in public. Whatever. I eat. You deal. And quit looking at me like that. You're just jealous that you aren't eating Chimi-cheesecake. With a giant margarita. Aren't you?

What about you? Done apologizing for anything?

Life Bankruptcy

So, I sometimes read The Frugal Girl, despite being ridiculously un-frugal. I guess I read it because I think I want to be frugal and then I think, "Oh my goodness - who does that?!?" Although, in my defense, I made my own laundry detergent last week. That's right. Made my own laundry detergent. It smells like heaven, although that smell doesn't seem to transfer to the clothes. They just smell clean. Not clean and heavenly.

In any case, yesterday she was writing about cleaning out her fridge and said that it was like "declaring food waste bankruptcy, and you can have a fresh, clean start."

I love this idea. 

Can I declare time bankruptcy and just quit everything and start adding things back in as I deem necessary/fun?

How about basement bankruptcy?

Or work bankruptcy? Can someone just come and clean off my desk so I can start over?

For the past 24 hours, I have wandered around looking at the mess that is my life and trying to devise ways to declare bankruptcy over it all. Get it out and start fresh. That's what I want. That's what I need.

Of course, just like real bankruptcy, it's a lot of work and worry and stress. But I think it may be worth it.

I mean, really. My Christmas tree is still up. Mostly so that I can keep shoving toys under it rather than finding a new home for them all. My kitchen is crowded with dirty dishes and canned goods that don't fit in the cabinet that is obviously too small for my canned goods, but where I insist they must go. My bedroom has no floor. At least I assume it doesn't because it's been so long since I've seen it. And I'm never home to do anything about any of this.

And when I am, I can't get motivated because it's all so overwhelming.

And there's the rub. I am overwhelmed. So overwhelmed that the work it takes to declare Life Bankruptcy seems like too much to tackle. But maybe I'm just thinking too big. Maybe I need to start with something like Junk Drawer Bankruptcy. Bill Basket Bankruptcy. Spice Cabinet Bankruptcy. Kitchen Counter Bankruptcy. Crochet Pattern Bankruptcy.

Get it out. Start fresh.

What about you? Yearning to declare bankruptcy over something?

Welcome to 2012- The Year I Totally Wear Hats to Work

As you may have noticed, last year, wasn't my year.

From my failure to get educated, to my separation, to my failure to keep even one of my amazing 36 resolutions, to my general malaise with the world... 2011 sucked.

I've got a good feeling about this year. 2012 is totally going to be my year.

Proof positive - I wore a hat to work.

I don't know why that is proof of anything, but there you have it. I was cold, I had bad hair, I wore a hat to work and no one laughed at me and I didn't die.

2012 - here come me and my hat.