A Song I Can Play. At Least a Little.

I'm going to attempt to do this memey thing called 30 Days of Song. I will not post this every day, because oh-my-pants-I'm-bored-already. Instead I'll post once or twice a week, as I feel like. So there. I am unrepentantly stealing this from Jen O. at My Tornado Alley. She rocks. I'm not sure if she stole it from somewhere, but here we go. 

Also, we are in the home stretch ya'll. We may finish this before I die.

A Song that I Can Play on an Instrument

I always wanted to play something. I tried, for a really long time, to teach myself piano. Then, in college, I took guitar. Turns out I'm a little tone deaf. Which is cool, ya know. So long as you know I'm going to sing at the top of my lungs anyway. Anyway, of all the things I tried to teach myself and learn, the only thing that really stuck with me is the melody of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." I know, it's so exciting. Hey, at least I'm not singing it.



Day 1 - Your Favorite Song - White Blank Page
Day 2 - Your Least Favorite Song - Barbie Girl
Day 3 -  A Song that Makes You Happy - Birdhouse in Your Soul
Day 4 - A Song that Makes You Sad - Anna Begins
Day 5 - A Song that Reminds you of Someone - Friend of the Devil
Day 6 - A Song that Reminds you of Somewhere - Least Complicated
Day 7 - A Song that Reminds You of a Certain Event - Mrs. Potter's Lullaby
Day 8 - A Song that You Know All the Words To  - It's the End of the World as We Know It
Day 9 - A Song that You Can Dance to - Some Nights
Day 10 - A Song that Makes you Fall Asleep  - Ice Cream
Day 11 - A Song from your Favorite Band - Later On 
Day 12 - A Song from a band you Hate - Life is a Highway
Day 13 - A Song that is a Guilty Pleasure  - Loving You is the Dumbest Thing
Day 14 - A Song that No One Would Expect you to Love - Mean
Day 15 - A Song that Describes You - She Don't Want Nobody Near 
Day 16 - A Song that You Used to Love but Now Hate - Drops of Jupiter 
Day 17 - A Song that You Hear Often on the Radio - Little Talks
Day 18 - A Song that You Wish You Heard on the Radio - Grey Ghost 
Day 19 - A Song from your Favorite Album - Normal Like You 
Day 20 - A Song that You Listen to When You're Angry  - Not Ready to Make Nice
Day 21 - A Song that you Listen to when You're Happy 
Day 22 - A Song that you Listen to when You're Sad  - Angel Mine
Day 23 - A Song that you Want to Play at your Wedding - Friday I'm in Love
Day 24 - A Song that you Want to Play at your Funeral - Good
Day 25 - A Song that Makes you Laugh - Twisting
Day 26 - A Song that you Can Play on an Instrument (today)
Day 27 - A Song that you Wish you Could Play
Day 28 - A Song that Makes you Feel Guilty
Day 29 - A Song from Your Childhood
Day 30 - Your Favorite Song at this Time Last Year

Digging Out

My most of my adult life, I've had a messy bedroom. That shouldn't even be a thing. When you start nagging someone else to clean their room, yours should be under control. And, for short periods of time, maybe mine was, here and there.

But, for the most part, it was just full. Full of all the stuff that didn't seem to go anywhere else. In may ways, I've spent the last decade or so sleeping in my storage room. I mean, I need those other rooms. Right?

And then, when I started fighting the depression, it got worse. I go through weeks at a time when I can keep the house clean - sanitary, healthy, safe for humans and felines alike, but not really neat. Times when the toys just get kicked to one side of the room and the clean laundry piles up and up without ever being put away. Then, when it needs to be presentable, I just dump it all in my room. Because I need those other rooms, ya know?

Oh crap, oh crap. Normal people do not admit what I am about to admit over the Internet. Just shut up, hit delete and write something else, Jessi. No, really. What the crap are you doing?

So, this weekend, fueled by a desire to rearrange my bedroom furniture, desperation and rain keeping me from painting my front porch columns, I turned on Netflix, put on my housework pants and got down to business.

And it was appalling. There were clothes I forgot I owned. There were books, oh heavens the books. I own so many books. And the kids - holy pants, if the kids would quit leaving toys, books, games, clothes, shoes and quite curiously, homework; in my room, it might not be so bad. Seriously.

And then the craft supplies. Yarn. Fabric scraps. Broken crap I think I can make other crap out of. Yarn. Mismatched buttons. Paint. Yarn. Needles. Little plastic canvas circles I don't even remember purchasing. Yarn.

I carried out five bags of garbage. Five bags of clothing tags, hangers, shopping bags, homework, broken crap that I probably couldn't have made that thing out of anyway. Five bags. There should be a law.

And the kicker is that I'm not really done. I'm mostly done. I've got everything organized, just not put away. For one thing, I don't have enough laundry baskets to carry all the laundry to the basement. I'm pretty sure that means I have too many clothes. I'll get on that. Just as soon as I figure out what they all are, because I almost never have anything to wear to work.

I've got a bag of maternity clothes ready to take to my cousin. That's right. Maternity clothes. My "baby" is four. Seriously, ya'll. These clothes were in my closet. I've got a box of magazines I haven't read. No more magazines, Jessi.

And the craft supplies. Wow. Do I have craft supplies. And wrapping paper. I should own stock in wrapping paper. I'm hoping to have the furniture rearranged by the end of the week. Maybe that'll help.

But the end all answer here is that my room (and hence the post) is a metaphor for the way I've been living. I have this tendency to work really hard at making things nice for everyone else and dumping all the crap in my own lap. I take on all the responsibility, never say no and volunteer for things I don't really want to do. I try really hard to take care of everyone else and ignore myself.

In real life, I do what I do until my body can't handle it anymore and I get sick. This happens about once every three months. Noticing the pattern hasn't helped me break it.

Well, metaphorical me is sick. Sick of the mess, sick of the lack of organization, the lack of clean laundry and of feeling like I'm sleeping in a storage room. I'm not sure what the answer is, but it stops here. Things without a home may no longer find one in my room.

I'm taking care of me.

I hope.

Five Things on Friday: Zombie Apocalypse Dream Team Edition

I stumbled upon this whole Zombie Apocalypse Dream Team meme (eme, eme, eme) and I knew that for better or worse, I was going to spend hours obsessing over it. Here are some of my thoughts on my

Five Top People for My Zombie Apocalypse Dream Team

First, some thoughts on where others have gone wrong. In choosing a team a fictional characters to work together, you have a collection of things to consider. One - how well they will do the job, is where most people leave off. Two - how well they will survive, is also pretty important. And Three - diversity because a bunch of whiny pretty boys who only want to fight are going to make things like meal time, watch schedules and surviving the winter suck. Diversity, people. Also, they need to not kill each other.

1. Brawler - Jayne Cobb (Firefly) - Okay, so Jayne is a fan of the weapons, but he can hold his own in hand-to-hand, too. He's a survivor and he's spent years on a small crew, meaning he knows how to do (and does not think he is above) all the jobs. Finally, he's not really all that bright. I mean, he's smart enough to get out of a pickle, but not smart enough to constantly argue every little thing with the team leader (me).

2. Weapons Expert - Bobby Singer (Supernatural) - This may not make a lot of sense right off the bat, but hear me out. First of all, Bobby knows how to handle more than just zombies, and let's face it, if the zombies come, who knows what else will be behind. Secondly, he's experienced in just about everything. Need a bunker: Bobby's your man. Need someone to pretend to be CIA: Call Bobby. Need to torture a demon for information: Hey, Bobby. Plus, you get a handy two-fer here. Bobby not only acts as the expert on pretty much anything and everything that wants to eat your face, including weapons, but is also the relationship counselor in the group. And every group needs that sooner or later. (Hey Hershel!)

3. Brains - The DoctorDonna (Doctor Who) - Okay, I know this is totally impossible. First of all, she's had her memories wiped, so she's just Donna again. Also, I know that leaving her in that state would burn up her brain and that sucks. But let's face it, what you want on your team in the brains department is the Doctor. But you can't have him. He'll be busy trying to stop the zombie apocalypse. He'll also get bored and run off. You just want to survive. Live to fight another day, as it were. The Doctor is going to flit around and leave you and disappear and you need his knowledge and strategy even when he's gone. Enter DoctorDonna, imbued with all his knowledge and creeping people out with her glowing eyeballs. Also, she's a lovely smartass, who doesn't take whining and (unlike a lot of female SciFi/Fantasy characters) is not constantly trying to get someone in bed.

4. Medic - Damon Salvatore (The Vampire Diaries) - Not a doctor, better. He can heal any would by giving you a sip of his blood. Plus, he's pretty. I'm sorry, but I need some eye candy here.

5. Guy Who Dies First - Kenzi (Lost Girl) - Here's my reasoning. Kenzi is a completely helpless humany type living in a world of super powers and politics. She should have died a million times already. But she hasn't. Why? Because she's scrappy, smart, quick and she can work those super high heels. (Bring flats, Kenzi.) If Kenzi is our girl who dies first, no one will ever die, because by all appearances, she's invincible.

*I thought about casting this entirely from zombie shows/movies/books. I may do a second run actually that follows that. But I think part of the point of zombie media is that you don't get to pick your team. You end up with this unlikely group of survivors and you make it work. Because you don't have the choice..

Who's on your team?

I'm Only Happy when It Rains and Other 90's Cliches

It's been about 18 months since the Ex and I agreed, over the phone and on the way home from work that the break was better than the marriage and one of us said the "D" word for the first time. In those 18 months, I've taken a good hard look at a lot of things. At what I want vs. what I have. At who I want to be vs. who I am. At how I want to raise my kids vs. how I am raising my kids.

The truth is that this divorce has been good for me in more than a few ways. I've grieved and I've cried and I've gotten mad. But all in all, I can only say positive things about the shape of my life now compared to the shape of my life then.

For the first few months, I battened down the hatches. I didn't change anything, didn't go anywhere, didn't expose myself to anything. Because I was tender and bruised and a little broken. Because I was afraid of what was waiting for me out in the big world.

In the last few months, I've made some big changes, though. Changes that have helped me find my feet and feel a little more like myself. I got my Jeep, which I love and which has yet to mysteriously quit working for months on end. (Suck it Ford.) I took my kids on a real vacation, something that I always figured was completely out of reach. I've created a lot of new traditions and rituals that make my life go smoother.* I painted my living room. I know that doesn't even seem like a big deal, but it makes my house feel a little bit more like my house and a little less like the House that Marriage Failed. I've done social things. With real people. In real life.

One of my challenges has been to figure out who the single me is. I was married a long time, you know. Well, a long time from my seat.

One big part of that challenge is that who I believe that I am is basically who I was when I was 22. I know, intellectually, that this can't be true. I must have changed. I've lived, loved and lost and that usually adds up to older and wiser territory, but all I can see when I look at myself is an awkward kid who likes to drive with the windows down, loves rainy days and is still trying to figure out what to be when (and if) she grows up.

Someone once told me that an alcoholic becomes arrested at the age they started drinking, failing to mature and grow. Sometimes I feel like that's what I've done. Just stopped. Like I put everything on hold and refuted change and growth for a decade.

But then I look at what I've accomplished, what I've done and I know that I have grown up. I just wasn't looking.

Last night, I was watching Doctor Who with the girls (major parenting win), and I said, "When I grow up, I wanna be River Song." Brynna wrinkled her nose in that way she has when she's really thinking hard about something.

"Mommy," she finally said. "You are grown up and you've got a job and you're who you are."

"I don't think we ever quit growing up," I responded. And I was right. We don't. We don't stop changing and growing and working toward something else. Something amazing.

But she was right, too. I am who I am. And who I am is fine. Better than fine. Who I am is pretty darn great.

Sometimes, I still find myself mourning the life I thought I'd have that's gone forever now. But never the life I had. And never myself. I'm not going anywhere. Except for someplace amazing.

*I'm still working on this one. Getting the kids to do chores is still spotty at best and getting home before bedtime is still rarer than I'd like. I'll get there, though. I know I will because I've already come so far.

A Funny Story and A Funny Song

I'm going to attempt to do this memey thing called 30 Days of Song. I will not post this every day, because oh-my-pants-I'm-bored-already. Instead I'll post once or twice a week, as I feel like. So there. I am unrepentantly stealing this from Jen O. at My Tornado Alley. She rocks. I'm not sure if she stole it from somewhere, but here we go. 

Also, we are in the home stretch ya'll. We may finish this before I die.

A Song that Makes Me Laugh

When I was in high school, I needed (for some possibly-academic-team-related reason) to call a boy who was a couple-three years older than I was. I was strangely nervous. Because, you know, older boy. Teehee. When the phone rang, I did exactly what my grandmother had taught me to do, "Hello, this is Jessi, may I please speak to Cthulu*?" His mother told me, sweetly, that I could not because he and his friend Godzilla were at a concert in Cincinnati. "Oh. Do you know who they went to see?" I'm not even sure why I asked. I mean, it didn't make any difference. I guess I thought it was polite conversation, or maybe I thought I could ask him how it was when I did get to talk to him.

"Hm..." she replied, "They may be tall?" After excusing myself and wondering what their height had to do with anything, I finished my homework, did what I did and went to bed. Lying there in the dark, staring at the ceiling, waiting for sleep, I suddenly started laughing. They Might be Giants.

*His name wasn't really Cthulu. But it would have been cooler if it was.



Day 1 - Your Favorite Song - White Blank Page
Day 2 - Your Least Favorite Song - Barbie Girl
Day 3 -  A Song that Makes You Happy - Birdhouse in Your Soul
Day 4 - A Song that Makes You Sad - Anna Begins
Day 5 - A Song that Reminds you of Someone - Friend of the Devil
Day 6 - A Song that Reminds you of Somewhere - Least Complicated
Day 7 - A Song that Reminds You of a Certain Event - Mrs. Potter's Lullaby
Day 8 - A Song that You Know All the Words To  - It's the End of the World as We Know It
Day 9 - A Song that You Can Dance to - Some Nights
Day 10 - A Song that Makes you Fall Asleep  - Ice Cream
Day 11 - A Song from your Favorite Band - Later On 
Day 12 - A Song from a band you Hate - Life is a Highway
Day 13 - A Song that is a Guilty Pleasure  - Loving You is the Dumbest Thing
Day 14 - A Song that No One Would Expect you to Love - Mean
Day 15 - A Song that Describes You - She Don't Want Nobody Near 
Day 16 - A Song that You Used to Love but Now Hate - Drops of Jupiter 
Day 17 - A Song that You Hear Often on the Radio - Little Talks
Day 18 - A Song that You Wish You Heard on the Radio - Grey Ghost 
Day 19 - A Song from your Favorite Album - Normal Like You 
Day 20 - A Song that You Listen to When You're Angry  - Not Ready to Make Nice
Day 21 - A Song that you Listen to when You're Happy 
Day 22 - A Song that you Listen to when You're Sad  - Angel Mine
Day 23 - A Song that you Want to Play at your Wedding - Friday I'm in Love
Day 24 - A Song that you Want to Play at your Funeral - Good
Day 25 - A Song that Makes you Laugh (today)
Day 26 - A Song that you Can Play on an Instrument
Day 27 - A Song that you Wish you Could Play
Day 28 - A Song that Makes you Feel Guilty
Day 29 - A Song from Your Childhood
Day 30 - Your Favorite Song at this Time Last Year